


tu eres sin valor

by nihilbyhora



Category: Original Work
Genre: Why?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-01 11:16:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20814242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihilbyhora/pseuds/nihilbyhora
Summary: can you keep a secret? i'm, oh, so lonely





	tu eres sin valor

yesterday was supposed to be fun  
it’s the first time im out of town in months  
and yeah it’s my hobby, more so that a friend’s with me

seeing people dressed up for an event is always such an amazing feeling  
especially if they’re in groups  
you pass by them and hear excerpts of their conversation  
how much fun the con is together with friends, looking forward to another day or event, waiting for the next show in the centre, catching up while eating weeb food

yeah it’s been a while since ive been around

why do i have to be so sensitive?

when i see people around me having so much fun, i cant help compare  
it can’t help having these terrible thoughts when i feel like my friend or people im with are not having a good time with me  
not just at the con but in general  
like wishing i was another person instead  
nobody can tell really  
how rude could it be to honestly express that dilemma to a ‘friend’

so some of the things that’s been eating me since yesterday:  
\- a.rren liking a photo of l.una and some of her posts related to the con  
\- hassling situation yet again because of costume maintenance  
\- really attractive people at con that i wanted to approach  
\- having no purpose after friend left at the con  
\- not helping this one guy asking for money so he can get home  
\- mj ignoring my suggestion to be in a cosgroup with her  
\- m.aido telling me she doesn’t have her connector  
\- o.nii shooting me down with my acting ambition

rationale:  
\- not as old potential love interest but, i genuinely miss my friends from years ago. when she ignores my posts abt the con but not my friend’s, it really hurts. we used to be closer than her as well.

\- wig was super long, couldn’t wear my bag properly cus the wig will be messy

\- i dont have problems approaching and being honest with my thoughts but when i think about how ugly i am and put myself in their shoes, i’d go, what an ugly weirdo, why is she talking to me?

\- roaming around to actually buy stuff at the con. after a while, it gets lonely. the con is super loud. i recognize faces, but im sure they don’t want to be approached by me. honestly, im sure they forgot about me already.

\- i wanted to give him the P30. honest to god, i do. if m.aido didn’t pull my hand, i really would have. but i didn’t. and i’m a shit person for it. do i think the person was scamming? probably. was P30 such a huge amount of money to lose from my end? no, not at all.

\- it was a 50/50 decision. didn’t matter if she agreed or not. at first. but i guess that’s that.

\- we were supposed to meet up by 6pm at the con centre to get home. she gave me her number so i can contact her and we can have dinner together. calling her phone, the number can’t be reached. when asked about it, she said her phone died. while walking around to get home, she pulled out her phone so i can take pictures of her around the mall. what makes me think she’s not lying about the connector as well?

\- this is a back burner kind of revelation. im sure i mentioned my ambition to become an actress twice or thrice in my life. once to my parents and two to my friends. from my secrecy of this topic, i can tell it was shrugged off or laughed at. because i wouldn’t feel this ashamed to even bring it up to anyone. but today i felt like it again, to the person i trust the most, currently. i was expecting to be asked with questions like why or how. instead, i was shut down, without even knowing about my ambitions. hurts like hell that it makes me cry even if 6 hours passed. why? i don’t understand. i don’t understand why i’m not ‘fit’ to do acting. sure, im too ugly for the screen. that’s something ive grown accustomed to. other than that, why cant i? why wont anyone ask me about it without shutting me down? what’s the point of telling them how upset it made me that they said the wrong things. they were just being honest. it’s their opinion. why should i make them understand to be ‘corrected’ so they don’t hurt me like this again? won’t that defeat the purpose of a relationship? of being honest to the person without complete bias? holding them back is a round about way or saying that i only want to know what i want to hear?

i want a genuine relationship where the other person truly care about my being. sometimes it feels like i dont have a family. sometimes i feel like my friends aren’t really my friends. sometimes i feel like nobody will ever settle down with me until our very last breath.

but why should they? i’m just me.

i’m just complaining

everything hurts.


End file.
